Appreciating the one you are with...

Today, I spent some time on the phone with an old friend Brenda. We have recently rekindled our friendship after some time going about our lives. We are both in a different place know, she has bought a home and is experiencing the pleasures and pitfalls of a 1920’s home, the poor insulation, the truncated electrical panel and all the limited space bathroom and kitchen counter space that comes with an old home.

Never fear Brenda, we have all made it through our first winters in older homes and happen to enjoy our lives in these wonderful homes especially because of all the character they offer. Mine is vintage 1927, well built, under-insulated especially in the floors. This makes for some drafts around the ankles in certain areas of the living room. I avoid seating guests in those cold spots, unless, I have a fire going. The fire place is a different issue all together, but that’s not today’s burning topic.

Brenda and I got onto the subject of a friends life. He and his partner have recently had a child (two months ago), and he has decided to take some time of to be with her and their new daughter. Originally, he wanted to keep working given the economic times, but after mom expressed a concern that she felt as though he was not involved and as excited about the new arrival as she expected, he decided to stop forking for the winter and take care of the emotion and caring needs of his family.

Brenda’s comment was that during her marriage, her ex-husband had always said that her gaining weight (becoming fat…this is subjective to me), was grounds for a divorce. She was 120 lbs and 5’7. She got pregnant and got to 170lbs at the time of delivery. She was at 150 after the birth and stayed there for several years. Eventually, they did divorce for this and other reasons. Her point was that after birth, some woman’s emotions can be all over the place and could result in different types of insecurities. She noted that she was happy to hear our friend had made that decision and accordingly, good for them.

My response was also supportive of his decision; any one that knows me knows that I am the “house husband” type anyway. I did have a general observation about relationships in these times that got us both laughing hard.

Here is the general thought:

My take is that Moms and Dads of today from all walks of life, whether hockey, Wal-Mart, NASCAR, Greener, or East Coast should all by know just stick with what they have got, take good care of each other and follow the example of our friend. If you really think about it, most people today have dated every variation of mom or dad (woman or man) within there preferred subgroup that they are going to find. Smoker moms looking for smoker dads who live a certain life, have pretty much covered the spectrum. I do not really think Smoker Mom is going to find a better brand of Smoker Dad than the one she has. It is also not like Wal-Mart Dad is going to go out and find a better brand of Wal-Mart Mom. Okay so maybe some Wal-Mart moms like to shop at the green Wal-Mart just outside of Sevierville, but for the most part, a Wal-Mart is a Wal-Mart is a Wal-Mart. I say, as the song says, ‘love the one you are with, get over the little things, realize that it’s a waste of time to continue to look around the corner for a better bargain with higher return should a recall be invoked.

Sustain your own efforts in your relationships and that of your partner. It is more important than ever that we turn inward and nurture what we have. Live within your means, love your NASCAR Dad with the tummy, his appeal comes full circle at the holidays, free Santa for the kids. Appreciate your Greener Mon with the Saddle bags, they are her chapters in the book of life.

I don’t suggest anyone put up with inappropriate behavior or abuse (had to include that in here…sorry for the commercial). What I am suggesting is that within the bandwidth of what we are attracted to and what is reasonable to you, cherish the one that loves you, find interesting ways to be compassionate, discover a talent you once explored and share it. If your partner comes up with something that seems intriguing, fight the urge to dismiss it in your old self-affirming way. Be vulnerable for a little while and see where it gets you. Be humble as you used to be with your dinner reservations when you were only 18 years young and made $3.35 an hour (adjust to be age appropriate), and take her out for coffee, tea or cocoa (guys). Be brave, do something self-deprecating and enjoy the laugh (this really gets a good laugh if you have a cape to go with the batman boxers).

Its time we looked at the divorce rate and realized that there is not going to be that much variation between the one you have now and the partner you hope to trade for. Divorce is overrated…take it from me, I have never been married, but everyone who has been married and divorced that I know look like hyenas on the delta before or after a scavenge…believe me, it is not a good look… (See picture above).

So I said a little more here than I shared with Brenda on the phone, yet the point is still there, what exactly are you thinking you will find that is better than the one who loves you today? Security, money (way overrated…see financial system), looks, what?

In addition to wishing for prosperity in the New Year, let us all also resolve to renew our sense of appreciation for the Mom or Dad we are fortunate enough to be partnered with today. They have some great qualities, and they give something back to us each day. Moms…you may have to work on some of us Dads a little harder, but believe me, we will get it, the times are with you. Dads, write her a letter this year, in your own handwriting and remind her of the quality she represents to your life. If you have kids, include the kids, you are a family after all. Enough out of me…I have to go curl up with Jill, and read her my poetry…with any luck she will feel like reading some of hers, if not I will just appreciate her, right where she sits…she deserves the very best and I am to be that best.

Happy Holidays…Moms and Dads…

Hyena Image is courtesy of: www.news.nationalgeographic.com/news/bigphotos/

Our two boys life...

I recently finished reading Abigail Thomas's book My Three Dog Life. It's a wonderful book, I highly recommend it for anyone who has had to make unexpected adjustments to their lives as a result of a lose of some kind. She writes beautifully well, speaks gently and simple, and gathers you in with her as she journeys along an unfamiliar path.

It got me thinking about the two new additions to the lives that Thadd and I live. It is probably the other way around, they are folding us in. Jill and Lil to be exact. Jill rescued me at an all day poetry marathon we both attended back in November. Up until that point, I had spent the last 6 months basically on a sabbatical to readjust my life. I sat a couple of rows behind her and noticed how much she just altered the feeling in the room. We both read and shared that day and she decided to take a big risk and converse with me about what we had discovered in each others poems. She said in our first letter exchanges that it was fresh and not at all trite of a first meeting, I agreed. Its was filled with possibility and intrigue. Time has passed and its only getting better.

Jill and I went for a walk less than a week ago (Dec 14th), we came across a little precious stray cat I named Little Jill, or Lil for short (Jill is very patient and I can imagine she is tolerating the whole name thing just to humor me...). The weather had changed suddenly, It had started to snow as dusk approached and we, meandered through the streets and enjoyed our walk. Out of no where it seemed came a little darling, running up to us in the middle of the street where we had stopped to look back at the City view, Lil came running up to Jill and I and just rubbed up all over us as if to say...I need a home, things are not so good. We did the natural thing and knocked on doors, we asked around and found no takers. Eventually we decided, as the storm blow in, we could not leave Lil out there to work her way back home. We bundled her up and walked her home to my place a few blocks away. Upon arriving, we proceeded to introduce Lil to Thadd, the resident Cat of our humble abode.

Lets just say it has been a few tense days, I send Jill daily updates of their antics and ways. The other day, I put them up in the attic with instructions to work it out or else I would step in. Yesterday, while sitting in bed writing away, Thadd walked up to a sleeping Lil and begun to groom and wash her neck. What was amazing about it was that, half asleep, Lil reached out and licked Thadd's paw. It lasted a few minutes, but the bond was made and I thrilled like a child to tell this to Jill. The three of us spend our days in tow, moving from room to room wondering why we don't have our Jill. Thadd and Lil are adjusting well and we are all growing very attached to Li, even Jill.

Jill is also a wonderful addition to our lives. She is gentle and sweet and writes us beautiful letters. She is a lady in the classic sense, she is delicate, but oh so passionate. She is definitely her mothers daughter, she writes us wonderful poems about daughters who have kitten soft dreams. We enjoy having her come over on occasion and spend precious times with us. I wonder often if Thadd and I needed Jill and Lil. My house mate Renee remarked the other day about how wonderful it was that Jill and I found and rescued a pregnant cat just before Christmas. She likened it to the nativity story in the bible. I never thought about it that way, but I shared the remark with Jill the next day and she had the same reaction as i did. We both could see the irony in the timing of it all.

In this season of Christmas and Hanukkah , the times we live in, and the confused ways of our world. It has been going through my mind that perhaps we are all fortunate to have come together at this time. All four of us have experienced loss in this last year. We all have amazing hearts and care deeply for our fellows and friends. Despite our individual hardships we all four have an amazing capacity to love, be compassionate and exercise the true spirit of forgiveness. We are all humble and share what we have willingly with those who have a need. We tend to reject greed and have stopped asking why not us. We instead have looked inward and found a joy in those near us that nourishes and nurtures us one day to the next. As Jill says we leave room to have our toes tingle from the little joys we experience each day.

I for one on behalf of Thadd will like to say a heart felt thank you to Jill and Lil, The two of you have been exceptionally generous with your love and acceptance of us. We were just two boys, hold up in our little urban village home, writing away at our manuscripts, trying to find a publisher to take us seriously, taking walks and learning to live on less, when the two of you walked in and lifted us to our best. Thadd and I are the better for it all. We are hopeful. We have learned much from the risk you ladies took. You did not let us retreat into our shells, you would not hear of it. You stopped us cold in our tracks with those eyes so direct. Jill, those blues, and Lil those golds. If this is all we will have of you two, please know that we are thankful for what we have had. I think I speak for Thadd when I say, its all been one big winter "GULP" and we didn't even get brain freeze.